I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
