Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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