From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
