i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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