there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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