I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
