I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
