Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
