Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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