M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
