his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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