Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
