I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
