You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
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You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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