Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
