Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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