Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
