don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
