i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
