My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
