So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
