I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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