I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
