Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it hurts more in the daytime
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
