porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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