i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
