haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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