it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
