TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
