lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Who put my cat in the fridge?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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