there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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