I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
