I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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