Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
