Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
