omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
