There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
