god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
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You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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