so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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