Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How external is "for external use only"?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
