Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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