dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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