it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
