I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Randomize
