I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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