i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
