Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
