I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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