today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
