I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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