when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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