i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
