I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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