I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
