I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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