did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
