You just made me feel so damn special
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
