and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
