The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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