since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
