I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
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One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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