I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
