So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
