tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my shit smells like andre
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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