I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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